Self Appraisal

A little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number.
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy                : "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman         : (at the other end of the phone line) "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy                : "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman         : I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy                : (with more perseverance) "Lady, I'll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.
Woman         : No, thank you.

 With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner       : "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy                      : "No thanks,
Store Owner       :  But you were really pleading for one.
Boy                      : No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"  

3D Murals by John Pugh

Main Street , Los Gatos , California . Even the woman peering into the ruin is part of the mural.

Taylor Hall, California State University, Chico , California . The Doric-style columns are actually nothing but paint.

Honolulu , Hawaii . This mural took two months of studio work to plan and another six months to execute with the help of 11 other artists. Featured are Queen Liliuokalani, the last monarch of the Hawaiian Islands , and Duke Kahanamoku, the ultimate father of surfing.

This mural at the Caf e Trompe Loeil, San Jose , California , is entitled Art Imitating Life Imitating Art Imitating Life. This customer doesn't leave at closing time

Twenty-nine Palms, California . Valentine the bull and a patient buzzard are waiting for the artist to awake. 

Bay in a Bottle , Santa Cruz , California . The passer-by is part of the mural.

Looks like a nice spot to rest your weary feet on a sidewalk in front of the Sarasota County Health Center, Florida.

Slowin Down to Take a Look in Winslow , Arizona . Included, of course, is "a girl, my lord, in a flat bed Ford slowin down to take a look at me."

artist John Pugh

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
  

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
  
  
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
____________________________________________
  (A favourite)
ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:   None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death…
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

   
And last:
(Well OK, this is the best)
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No…
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 

Canadian Speed Control!

Speed control being used in Canada ..
How's this for effective speed control?



I don't know about you, but
this would certainly slow me down!
People slow down and actually
try to "straddle" the hole.



This is an actual speed control
device that is currently in use.
It is MUCH cheaper than speed
cameras, radar guns, police officers, etc.



Pretty clever -- especially when they move
them around every day.
Isn't Art Wonderful?

Actual call centre & tech support conversations!

Customer:     "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?" 
Operator:     "Where did you get that number, sir?" 
Customer:     "It's on the door of your business." 
Operator:     "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
================================================== 

Samsung Electronics
Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" 
Operator:     "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." 
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" 
Operator:      "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
========================================= 

Caller (Inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" 
=========================================== 

Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." 
Customer:             "OK." 
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?" 
Customer:             "No."
Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" 
Customer:             "No."
Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" 
Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
============================================ 

Tech Support:  "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" 
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" 
============================================ 

Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?" 
============================================ 

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" 
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." 
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??" 
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." 
Operator:         "Went away?" 
Caller:              "They disappeared." 
Operator:         "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" 
Caller:              "Nothing." 
Operator:         "Nothing??" 
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." 
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" 
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??" 
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" 
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" 
Caller:              "What's a monitor?" 
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" 
Caller:               "I don't know." 
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" 
Caller:              "Yes, I think so." 
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. 
Caller:              "Yes, it is." 
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" 
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." 
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." 
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "OK. Well, can you see if it is??" 
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" 
Caller:               "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." 
Operator:          "Dark??" 
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from the window." 
Operator:           "Well, turn on the office light then." 
Caller:               "I can't." 
Operator:          "No? Why not??" 
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure." 
Operator:           "A power .... A power failure? Aha.                            Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??" 
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." 
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:           "Yes, I'm afraid it is." 
Caller:                "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" 
Operator:           "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

Globalization?

A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

 

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:
Princess
Diana's
death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :

An
English princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend

crashes
in a French tunnel,
riding in a

German
car

with a
Dutch engine,

driven
by a Belgian

who was
drunk

on
Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),

followed
closely by

Italian
Paparazzi,

on
Japanese motorcycles,

treated
by an American doctor,
using

Brazilian
medicines.

This is
sent to you by

a
Canadian,

using

American
Bill Gates' technology,

and
you're probably reading
this on your computer,

that
uses Taiwanese chips,
and

a

Korean
monitor,

assembled
by

Bangladeshi
workers

in a
Singapore plant,

transported
by Indian

truck drivers,

hijacked
by Indonesians,

unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,

and
trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends,
is  Globalization !

BIJNESS

BIJNESS

In an international school in LONDON, a teacher asked a class of 7yr olds: 

"Who was the most famous man who ever lived? I'll give £5 to the child who can tells me the correct answer."

Irish boy said "St.Patrick".

Buddhist boy said "Gautam Buddha".

Muslim boy said "Mohammed".

Finally,Jignesh said, "Jesus Christ".

Teacher said, "thats right" .

As the teacher was giving Jignesh those £5, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you are a Hindu Gujarati, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'".

Jigness replied, "Yes madam, in my heart I knew all the time it was KRISHNA, 

   but for Jigness, Bijness is Bijness".

Hospital Bill

HOSPITAL BILL 
You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!
 
 
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

 

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."